


White Lies to Yourself

by Ghost_Writing



Series: It Started With Cadet Training [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Captain Reader, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Crushes, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Other, Pining, Platonic Cuddling, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Promotions, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29192040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Writing/pseuds/Ghost_Writing
Summary: You take the promotion to Captain to keep your friends safe from the burden of guilt and trauma that the Scout division is plagued with. That and to slowly take over the Scout division chain of command.Reads best when you start at the beginning of the series "Coward"
Relationships: Erwin Smith & Reader, Erwin Smith/Reader, Hange Zoë & Reader, Hange Zoë/Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi Ackerman & Erwin Smith & Mike Zacharias & Hange Zoë, Levi Ackerman & Erwin Smith & Mike Zacharias & Hange Zoë & Reader, Levi Ackerman & Reader, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith/Mike Zacharias/Hange Zoë/Original Character(s), Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith/Mike Zacharias/Hange Zoë/Reader, Levi Ackerman/Reader, Levi/Reader, Mike Zacharias & Reader, Mike Zacharias/Reader
Series: It Started With Cadet Training [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141619
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	White Lies to Yourself

Nothing was quite the same after your first mission. You’d woken up still curled up to Mike, and almost immediately there was the Commander standing at the foot of the bed. You quickly jumped out of bed, saluting him.

“Sir!” you said quietly, hoping that Mike wouldn’t wake up.

“At ease Captain,” he dismisses, waving his hand and leaving you blinking at him.

“C-captain?” you stutter to repeat.

“The way I see it is either I split up the best squad the scouts have seen in years, or appoint someone the Captain. The latter seemed more appealing to the survival of humanity,” he explains, gesturing to those sleeping around Mike.

“But me? Why not Levi? Or Erwin?”

“You charged yourself into a mass of titans to save cadet Mike. You amputated his leg in the back of a wagon. They all know hand signals and commands that you give out. You are the most logical choice-” he walks over and places his hand on your shoulder- “They trust you, Captain.”

You slowly look to your sleeping friends, swallowing your pride as you meet the Commander’s gaze.  
“Thank you, Commander. But see things from my angle, I saved him because my heart faltered, I couldn’t even save my own Captain yet I was ready to lay my life down on the line for Mike. They only trust me thanks to Erwin’s brilliant plans and Levi’s skill.”

“Captain, you fail to see that you don’t have a choice in this. Your previous Captain lost their squad in battle, I saw them fight just as hard as you did for Mike. A squad isn’t a brilliant leader and brainless lackeys, it’s a brilliant team with someone who carries the burden for the rest of them.”

You open your mouth to speak, the words catching in your throat.  
“... let them smile, I’ll bear the burden for them,” you whisper, your head hanging down to stare at your feet.

“Congratulations Captain. Your bunks have been reassigned to the third floor Captain’s bunks. Your belongings will be moved for you,” the Commander explains before turning on his heel.  
“We have a meeting at nine sharp. Don’t be late.”

As you watched him walk away, sinking down to the floor to lean against Mike’s bed, all you could think of was how you’d hadn’t slept alone in months.

* * *

You’d left before the others woke up, sneaking off to the mess hall to grab yourself breakfast despite your nervous stomach. You at least needed some food after the mess of last night.  
The most you managed was to grab a scone off the counter before realizing you were about to be late to the meeting. Dashing out of the mess hall, you tugged on your Scout’s jacket, racing up the stairs to the Commander’s room where meetings were held. 

You made it just in time to quietly slip in the back and take the only empty seat in the room. There were a total of three Captains, including yourself. Neither of them acknowledged you as you sat down with more than a nod of their heads.

The meeting was far more boring than you’d realized. It was like listening to Erwin’s plans if Erwin spoke in a monotone. You kept your mouth shut apart from suggesting different maneuvers to use in case of titans flanking on the upcoming mission they were planning.

Out of the people in that room, you were by far the youngest. It felt increasingly obvious, especially when the Commander asked for you to stay when the other two left the room.

“Commander?” you asked, turning back to him.

“(Y/N), how are you feeling through all this?” he asked, looking just as nervous as you felt.

“I have to admit, I don’t particularly see why you promoted me.”

“Your parents.”

“Pardon?” 

He took time to clear his throat. “I promoted you because I knew you could handle it. Because I knew who you were raised by and that you’d function well under stress.”

“You… knew my parents?”

“Not personally, however, they were a force to be reckoned with like you are. Though I’ve never seen that same rage you possessed yesterday on their faces.”

“What were they like…?” you quietly whisper, looking down at your boots.

“They acted as if the same person, the other an extension of their body. They were never seen apart from another, even till the end. I remember when you were born, they’d always take you to practice, showing you off whenever they could. They were the brightest souls I’ve ever seen, I only wish they’d joined the Scouts, their brilliant minds would’ve been an asset.”

“I have another strategy, one that Erwin came up with. We’ve never tested it, not enough people or a reason to. It’s risky, but it might help us in a pinch.”

“Show me,” he requests, gesturing to the plans laid out across the table.

It took you all of the afternoon to butter up the Commander. A strategy that you’d perfected with the few months using advice your parents had given you since a child. You had bigger plans than his horizons, ones that involved Erwin in his chair, with Levi, Hange, and Mike by your side as Captains.

But you knew things would have to be taken slowly in order to stick. So you explained to the Commander one of the easiest strategies that were purely fitness for your squad. As you exited the office, a satisfied smile was stretched across your lips.

A debut for the world’s deadliest squad. 

Yet your quick resolve bottomed as you skidded down to the mess-hall, grabbing five cups of tea and balancing them on a plate with scones as you shuffled down to the medical room. You spent the trip praying to the Gods that they hadn’t left the room yet and you wouldn’t need to go on a wild titan chase.

A sigh of relief escaped your lips as you found the four of them sitting around Mike, walking with each other. A glance around the room told you you were alone. Heads turned to you as you pushed your heel against the door, turning the lock before crossing the room and setting the plate down on the bedside table.

“Sorry that took longer than expected,” you admitted, passing out treats to your squad as they watched you with raised eyebrows.

“What took longer than expected?” Erwin asked, taking the teacup from your hand with a thank you.

You looked from the four of them before sitting down on the chair behind yourself.  
“The Commander approached me and promoted me. To Captain. Of you four.”

“But, you’re a new recruit. We all are,” Hange pointed out, leaning forwards with her mouth open slightly.

You shrugged, praying they wouldn’t see through your confidence at all the uncertainty behind it.  
“He told me we were one of the best squads he’s seen- I asked why he didn’t promote one of you but he said I was his choice. I don’t get it either but-”

“(Y/N) that’s awesome! Now we can call you Captain and no one will give us weird looks!” Mike cheered with a smile, throwing an arm around at you before his face scrunched up in pain.

“Mike, take it easy. Levi and I didn’t rush into titans to save you just so you can die in the med room,” you murmur, slowly setting his arm back down.

He nods his head with a huffed sigh.

“I do have a plan though, one to get us all to the top quickly. So listen closely because I’ll only say this once…” you lean forwards, beginning to spill the tale of the plan you’d lined up for the four of them, using the empty teacups as props.

* * *

As you fastened your cape while your horse charged through the fields, you waited for the red smoke signal to appear in the sky. You kept your eyes trained on the Commander, rubbing the sleep from them.

You hadn’t really had time to sleep between training and nightmares, seeing Mike in the titan’s grasp constantly. Your heart pounded in your chest as a red flare burst to the West. It was now or never. 

Giving a quick signal to your squad you spread out just enough to hear each other, just like training as you prepared for the oncoming force. The red flare left your hand just as you realized there was one from the East too.

You hear someone behind you shout about titans to the East too as you gulp. You were surrounded, again. 

As your heart pounded in your chest, you prepared for the worst as fear bubbled up in your chest. There’s a scream to your right and you watch your previous captain being lifted into a titan’s jaw.

It dawns on you as your body sores through the air on its own. This is another nightmare.

You watch with a horrified face as you’re forced to save Mike once more, however this time you only manage to get him out of the way before the world goes black around you.

* * *

You bolt up in bed, tears streaking down your face for the fourteenth night in a row. Two weeks, you’ve grinned and bore it. But it’s haunting you now. Maybe if- maybe if you just saw Mike, alive and well, then you’d be able to believe that he was alive.

The door of your room creaked open to the empty hallway. The Captain’s bunks were always quiet with the other two captains and the commander sleeping at the far end. You tug at your bottom lip as you creep towards the staircase, only to run face-first into someone.

Rubbing your head, you take a step back to come face to face with Erwin helping Mike up the stairs despite him using his prosthetic leg. Behind them, Levi and Hange grumbled about them stopping.

“I- er- hi,” you manage to stumble out, unsure what to say to avoid breaking down in front of them.

“Can we sleep together tonight?” Mike blurts out. 

You stare up at him, blinking a few times as you furrow your eyebrows.

“We keep waking up in the middle of the night, none of us are getting any sleep since you were moved up here,” Erwin explains, helping Mike up the final stair.

“Honestly, I was just about to come to find you four for the same reason,” you sigh, turning on your heel and quickly opening your door so you didn’t wake the Commander with your yammering.

They take the hint, shuffling inside the room while you hold the door open. Thankfully, your bed was rather large, enough to support the four of you if you managed it right. Once the door was closed, there was a collective sigh of relief through the room.

You tried to make it to the bed, tried to fain confidence in front of your squad but you barely made it to Erwin before breaking.

“I know it isn’t much, but I should still be grateful… but I can’t be without you four. No matter how hard I try, somehow you made me break my number one rule. Don’t make friends. B-but you feel like more than my friends or my squad, you feel like-like my family. Like home,” you blurt out, spilling yourself across the floor through words as you stand there, your head hung low.  
“I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t want this… but I’d do it all over again to save Mike’s leg, to not be in this room sobbing because we watched our previous captain died in front of us. I’d do it all over again to save the fire in your eyes.”

You’re crying now, hot tears streaming down your face as they drip onto the ground below. You felt like a scared little kid again, just learning about your parents’ disappearances. 

A breath you don’t realize you were holding in escapes your lips as arms wrap around your chest, pulling you flush against Levi. A wrecked sob escapes your lips as the others join in until you were all standing in the middle of your room, holding each other as tightly as you can.

“You’re our Captain, but that doesn’t mean you have to shoulder the burden for us. We work as a team. Mike lost his leg because we all failed to save it, but that is the last loss we will have. We’ll make sure of it,” Levi whispers quietly, his typical angry resolve cracking away to a gentler tone as he lectures you on your own words.

“I hear there’s something called the ocean out there. A massive lake where you can swim for miles and miles and never see the end of it. I want to see it,” Mike declares, his face burrowed into your shoulder. 

“We’ll see it. We all will see it,” you assure him, squeezing his hand. He gives you a shaking smile, small tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Come on, let’s get to bed before you drip snot on everyone,” Levi grumbles, breaking away from the hug as he offers you a tissue.

You let out a weak chuckle, taking the tissue from him.  
“He’s right, we need sleep. We have training early in the morning. What would your Captain think if they knew you were up so late?” you tease, putting your hands on your hips.

“I think they’d tell us to go back to bed,” Hange jokes next to you as Erwin helps Mike over to the bed to remove his prosthetic.

“You okay with being in the middle of this?” you say to Levi, raising an eyebrow at the usual ‘no-contact’ man.

“I’ll be fine if it’s you guys,” Levi grumbles, avoiding your gaze.

“I believe you,” you hum, ruffling his hair as you move over to cozy up between Mike and Erwin.

It wasn’t romantic if you were sleeping together to avoid nightmares… right? So why was your heart hammering against your chest as you laid your head down on Mike’s shoulder? Why did your breath hitch when Levi curled up next to you, Erwin draped across him from behind, or your face turn Garrison rose red when Hange reached across Mike to rest her hand on yours over Mike’s stomach.

Why did you want them to hold you like this every night?


End file.
